and if i could cry... {open

[arbie]

It was strange. What was strange? He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The land. The wolves. The story.
Right. That’s all it was; a little story. A story his mother was telling him and he was just dreaming it all up. He was really still a pup, and his mother was curled around him in their den back in Dancing Stars, whispering the words into his ear. That’s all he wanted. He wanted to curl up with Quianna again, feel the warmth of his mother’s fur and the love in her voice. He wondered what Blade would have thought of this place. It was big enough for him to run about in, whatever this place was, and the wolves were… Alright. Sukalina would have loved it. It was nice and green, and the dens were good for pups, wherever they were.
Oh yeah.
They were gone. So were his family. His friends. Caerwyn. What happened to his half-brother? The question haunted him. What if he had escaped? What if he had managed to flee before the earthquake even took place? He had hoped that was true, he had hoped that was the case. He had hoped his half-brother was wandering land to land, trying to make himself better. Trying to redeem himself from the horrible actions he had done. But, deep down, he forgave him. He forgave Caerwyn, because it wasn’t Caerwyn that did it, it was the monster inside him. The monster that managed to take over and lock away the strong, confident and kind-hearted Caerwyn he helped take care of. Skulls and Crossbones might like this valley. So would the pups. Caerwyn had pups. Whatever happened to them? He tried not to think about the incident, instead he liked to think of another thing. Midnight left with them, yeah, that could be it. Midnight left for a trip with them and they never came back. Oh god, Midnight. He missed her. He missed her so much, she was such a good friend. He hoped he was a good enough friend for her too.

What would Xaka think? He wouldn’t be too pleased he wasn’t Alpha. He wouldn’t be too pleased half of his pack was gone. No, the majority of them were gone. As far as Roan could tell, he was the only one left of Dancing Stars. Roan refused to call Caden’s pack Dancing Stars, her refused to let his pack be replaced just like that. His lip quivered every time he heard someone call it that, it always reminded him of the pack. How smiley they were, how loving and protective they were of each other. Roan would never be able to find a pack like that again, and it made him very depressed. Caden will never be able to live up to Caerwyn or Xaka, he refused to believe it. Xaka would too, if he was in Roan’s position… well, he hoped so. He hoped he was doing the right thing, he hoped Xaka was still proud of him. Roan couldn’t even ask Xaka, he couldn’t go back. Roan detested the fact he wasn’t able to talk to them anymore, any of them. And then he remembered. Roan had had a fight with Quianna, before she died. He didn’t have time to say sorry. Guilt clawed at his heart, and he blamed Vixen for it. At the same time he was sad for Vixen. She was having pups, was she not? Roan couldn’t even remember.

He ran. His paws thudded against the ground, dirt flying up behind him but he didn’t care. He was trying to get away from the clearing where the ‘Dancing Stars’ were gathered casually. He had shot off, he honestly couldn’t take it. This pack tormented him, each wolf reminding him of some of the Dancing Stars, some wolves he even didn’t know he remembered. His breathing was very heavy by the time he slowed down, and he gazed out at the meadow. It reminded him of the Grassland, and he slowly made his way through it. Ignoring the grass that attempted to tickle his legs, Roan stared. He was walking at a snail’s pace, trying to catch his breath. Eventually he came to the middle and flopped down onto his side, unable to take the weight of emotion. He gazed at the grass, dark eyes watering. Roan was never good at holding emotions in.

[[Midnight]]

Taya liked the meadow.
It was warm, welcoming. Wide open spaces where she could run and act like a total maniac without being watched and judged for it. And the butterflies and the grasshoppers and the birds; watching them stir as she ran by was like magic.

This valley was a great place, really. Even though she hadn't been here for very long, just a tiny bit less than a year, and a lot of the scenery had been destroyed by the earthquakes, it was still beautiful. And the folks around here, well, some of them weren't very happy right now. Some of them had lost loved ones and had lost even themselves. She hated seeing someone in pain, so it was sometimes miserable to live in this beautifully ugly place - to have to see broken faces almost every day.

Taya knew very little about the history of Dancing Stars and Falling Moon, but what did it matter what had happened in the past? Caden and Duke should just join forces. And if it was a matter of not wanting to give up their position of power that was getting in the way, then they were both being selfish and cowardly. That's the way she saw it, anyhow. But she didn't speak about her opinions much, because the truth was, Taya thought Caden was a great Alpha. She didn't like Duke at all.

Gliding through the swaying grass, Taya's long, white legs carried her closer and closer to Roan's body. She didn't see the male at first, not until she came within several yards of him, and that's when she slowed her pace down to a casual walk.

"Roan!" she greeted warmly, approaching him with a delighted smile.
Roan was one of those wolves with that same sad, lost look. Always staring sadly off into the distance. From what she knew of him, he had been related to the old Alpha of Dancing Stars, and had lost practically everyone he knew in the quakes. It was a shame to see such a good wolf be so upset. Today, she realized, was no different.

Wiping the smile off of her face, Taya replaced it with a deep frown, her eyes softening as she stared down at the brown wolf's teary eyes. Perhaps she shouldn't have interrupted his alone time. Then again, maybe he wanted some company.

"I'm sorry," she spoke softly to him, a statement. Of course, she didn't specify why she was saying sorry, and it really could have been an apology for anything: a sympathetic sorry to mourn with him in his loss, a casual sorry to tell him she didn't mean to intrude, or a sorry just for possibly being a nuisance.

[arbie]

Roan thought he would be alone with his memories, but footsteps shattered his hopes(or assumption?). He made a pathetic attempt to raise his head, but it quickly fell back to the ground and he coughed softly at the dust that was thrown into the air. Closing his eyes to shelter them, he stayed still for a moment until he heard the footsteps stopping. Licking his lips, Roan wondered if the wolf would just go away. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone, even if another part of him did. There was no reason to not, if anything, his family dying should open up new opportunities to him. It should make him crave company, but the way he thought it made it seem impossible. He just didn’t want to lose anyone, but at the same time, he needed someone. Someone familiar or someone he knew wouldn’t leave until he left first. That’s how he wanted it to work… But that idea was awful selfish, so the best ways were to either die together or just to die alone. No friends. No family. No lover. That’s the route Roan was going to take, he didn’t want to be selfish.

Hearing the female’s voice, Roan recognised it as Taya’s. It was kind of hard not to, there weren’t many wolves in this pack, and she was always quite happy. Weren’t all the Dancing Stars? Roan noticed how stereotypical things were. He tried to stay still, he tried to keep quiet after she had said sorry. Sorry? Sorry? Why the hell was she sorry? She had no reason to be sorry, she wasn’t there to help… Yes. That was why. She wasn’t there to help him when he was injured after the earthquake, she wasn’t there to help him run around like a headless chicken looking for his family. That’s why she was saying sorry. Gulping, Roan couldn’t take it.
He hoisted himself up to a sitting position, shaking the dust from his shining fur. He avoided looking at her eyes at first, but eventually he looked up at her.
“Thank you.” he said. It was all he could say. The tears had disappeared from his eyes as soon as Taya had spoke. He offered a small smile. After all that, he could still smile. They were just rare.

“But the past is the past…”
That was an obvious lie, but he didn’t want to talk about himself anymore. Sure, it had just started, but he felt bad about it and made his smile bigger. His heart ached as he tried to do look cheery.
“I was expecting you to be with Caden or someone… Not alone.” he mused, ear twitching, “Although you’re not alone anymore… I’m here. Well, really, you came to me so…”
He shut his mouth. Roan was always so shy and stuttery around females. Any female. His smile stayed on, but he was yelling at himself inside for being such an idiot.

[[Midnight]]

He obviously wasn't offended by her presence, and that made her relax. Not that she wasn't already relaxed, it was just...nice to know that someone didn't mind having you around. Taya hadn't ever heard of Roan snapping at somebody but who knew? Even the kindest of wolves are allowed to be in bad moods. Especially when they're lonely or in pain. Physical or emotional.

"I guess it is unusual for me to wander off by myself," she said in her femininely soft voice, smiling at Roan's struggle to find words. She wasn't shy at all, so seeing someone else shy didn't affect her confidence. "But I haven't seen Caden or the rest at all today, so I thought it'd be great if I took a little visit to the meadow."

Taya was usually seen rough-housing with pups or tagging along with a family member, which is why she hadn't been surprised at the male's words.

Her expression turned from content to concerned, as she studied Roan's intelligent face.

"The past might be the past, but sometimes it can shape your future," she stated softly. "Unless you don't want it to be that way. Some wolves fight it off."

[arbie]

He smiled sheepishly at Taya. He was glad she was here, actually. He had to admit it, her cheery attitude lifted his spirits only a few friends would be able to do, and he and Taya weren’t that close. It was actually kind of… Surprising. Perhaps it was just Taya’s personality, and Roan knew if he had her around more often it might help him. But no, if they were together more often, they might start a small friendship. The thought of hurting Taya somehow broke his heart… but could this girl even feel sadness? That was a sort of compliment, she seemed too cheery to even hold a grudge. Of course he didn’t know her very well, maybe the outgoing exterior was just the beginning. He nodded a bit, listening intently to what she was saying.

Caden was probably out doing alpha duties. Thinking that, let alone having to say it, felt very strange. He knew he would have to get used to it, unless a wolf decided they wanted to overthrow him. Hopefully Caden will be at least good enough in Roan’s eyes, and if he wasn’t, then he could easily just fake that he was a good alpha. Roan wasn’t one for acting or lying, though… But if it was to Caden, then perhaps he could make an exception.
“Fight back?” Roan snorted, smiling. “I can hardly fight a pup, let alone such strong feelings.”
It was a petty attempt at a joke, but at least he was trying.
“Although… I supposed it’s the best I can do.”

Roan knew he couldn’t mope about forever. His smile still there and he slowly stood up, stretching his back legs.
“How are you?”

[[Midnight]]

She knew he was trying hard to be cheerful, so she played along with him. Whatever made him feel better.
So Taya smiled happly and sat on her rump, letting her tail thump a couple of times in the grass.

"Ahh," she sighed, taking a deep breath of warm air. There was a butterfuly just behind Roan that she glanced at, feeling at peace with the moment. "I'm doing fine. Not hungry, not thirsty, not particularly tired... Although I'm bad at fighting pups, too, they wear me out quick with their seemingly endless energy."

The tip of her pink tongue was visible against the front of her black lips, but she didn't have it hanging out all rudely and unattractively. It was a weird quirk she had when she was content.
Studying Roan closely, she wondered silently to herself whether or not he'd be healed enough by the coming of Spring, when the pups popped out like daisies. There was nothing like a companion you could share anything with and who would be there for you no matter what.
Not that Taya knew that feeling, but she didn't mind. She was happy being Omega, playing with other pups besides her own.

[arbie]

Roan was glad Taya was going along with everything. He didn’t need a lecture from anyone about how he should enjoy life, they didn’t know how hard that really was. They hadn’t gone through it, they- okay, he didn’t need to think about it. He sighed deeply, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t take his eyes off of Taya, wanting to be polite, although it was rather difficult with the thought of hurting her coming back. He chuckled softly, but it didn’t last too long, when she said that pups had endless amounts of energy. It was too true, he remembered what Caerwyn was like as a pup. It didn’t make him sad, but it actually made him happy. Remembering Caerwyn was a normal wolf made him feel like he was back home. He was happy.

The flattened grass beneath his paws suddenly felt like it was actually soft grass, and not something fake from a nightmare. He looked down at it slowly, then round behind him at the butterfly. He watched it flutter about in the air peacefully, enjoying just being there. It didn’t feel threatened by the two wolves. Roan looked back at Taya, nodding a bit.
“Pups are wonderful, though. Their boundless energy is probably what makes the pack go on during Spring.” he mused, mainly to himself, but didn’t mind if Taya joined in or questioned him, “If we didn’t have pups, then some wolves might wander what’s the point in fighting for land. What’s the point in hunting even more. Pups are cheerful, and warm adults’ hearts and that might be what makes them go on. Well, at least subconsciously…”
He felt the skin under his fur burn.
“I rambled! I’m sorry.” he said, looking up as the butterfly fluttered over the two. It made him feel at peace again.

[[Midnight]]

A pleasantly kind smile replaced the polite one she wore, and it was so big it reached her dark, dark brown eyes. Roan really was a good person, just with a broken mind. Taya doubted, however, that he wouldn't ever recover, at least eventually. The entire pack would patiently give him the kind of care he needed; a loving family to take him into their paws. What else was family for?

Glad to be in the company of such a poet, Taya felt like humming a happy tune. She witheld the temptation, however, and just stuck with a natural conversation.
"Don't worry. Rambling is fine when you're rambling about something beautiful."
Personally, Taya thought that Roan had hit the nail right on the head. There was no other thing in the world that was so motivated by love. Puppies were a thing to die for.

She had seen that he had caught sight of the pretty, fluttering butterfly, and her eyes suddenly shone.
"Butterflies are beautiful, too," she practically sang, c0cking her head to get a better look at it. She had resisted the temptation to sing, but she could not find it in her heart to defy playing games with a butterfly!
Getting filled with sudden energy- as sudden as it always was- Taya stood off of the ground and started chasing after the flying insect, not too viciously, to too quickly; more eloquently than just a pup's game. It flew in a tight circle in attempts to escape her, and Taya mirrored it, only to trip over her own foot.

[arbie]

Roan was more embarrassed by the compliment than his rambling. Wait, she probably meant that love was beautiful. How could he be so egotistical to think that she meant his rambling was beautiful? Psh. He kept his eyes on the butterfly though, only glancing at her for a second when she said ‘don’t worry’. He grinned and nodded in agreement when she said butterflies were beautiful, they truly were. Sometimes he wished he was one, but they seemed to be a target for pups and wolves like Taya.

He chuckled as she chased after the flying animal. He hesitated, deciding not to run after her, but lumbered. He followed her, chuckling again when she tripped. He stood beside her, watching the butterfly get away hurriedly, and he looked down at Taya. He smiled kindly.
“Are you alright?”

[[Midnight]]

As usual, she found herself getting carried away with something so juvenile. But Roan wasn't weirded out by her silly game, and Taya liked that a lot. There was nothing awesome like a wolf who wasn't afraid to join in some innocent but foolish fun every now and then.

She rolled over on her belly and giggled, secretly glad to see that Roan was coming out of his shell little by little. Maybe he'd open up to her more than she had ever expected?
But she didn't want to get ahead of herself... Roan had the right to be in mourning, and Taya shouldn't try to tell him he should be moving on. Not that she probably ever would.

"Oh yes, I'm quite alright, thank you," she told him, her ear flapping as a tall grass stem tickled its sensative fur. "Where were we?'
She looked up at him with her pointed muzzle, having to squint her eyes a bit because of the sunlight streaming down behind him. "I didn't mean to interrupt any conversation."

[arbie]

This was the problem with Roan. Whenever he met someone cheery, like Taya here, he would become attached like a magnet. He would open up to them so far that he wouldn’t be able to back out of the friendship. He wasn’t saying they were friends already, although it was a nice thought, but they seemed to get along alright. At least Taya wasn’t the cheery type to say ’get over it, please.’. even though saying ‘please’ was polite, it was still such a rude thing to say.

Roan’s ear twitched and, deciding the grass looked soft and inviting, flopped down beside Taya on his stomach. He looked at the long grass that tickled her ear, tempted to paw at it. He was always a pup at heart, no matter how intelligent he was.
“I think we were changing subject.” he said calmly, not wanting to get all poetic again. As much as it was fun, he usually just rambled and when he rambled he felt embarrassed. He glanced at Taya, smiling a bit. He then pawed at the stem, not being able to hold back, and pawed at Taya’s ear at the same time. He was about to say ‘oops’, but held back, feeling his heart skip a beat. It was one of the first physical interactions he’d had in a long time, and it felt… Nice.

Roan rolled over into his back, tail wagging, then back onto his stomach, away from Taya. He stood up quickly, tail wagging faster, and he crouched playfully, inviting her for a game. Roan wondered if he’d still feel up to it, but Taya gave him a strange burst of energy. He liked her company.

[[Midnight]]

A bright light came into Taya's eyes dark eyes and she found herself, within just a few moments of Roan's invitation, already tackling him with almost her full body weight.
Roan probably had no clue that wrestling was one of Taya's favorite social activities. If she ever lost her legs she would still be trying to tackle a playmate to the ground... Gee, hopefully she'd never lose one limb!

"Grrr," she growled, her tail wagging furiously. She wasn't concerned with how puppish the two adults were being, after all, the Dancing Stars leader himself was known to act like a pup with the pups.
Taya's jaws opened as she tried to clamp down on his ear, gently but with no mercy as regards to trying to dominant the game.

[arbie]

Roan couldn’t help but laugh as she tackled him easily to the ground. It reminded him of the time he and Caerwyn raced along the mountain - was it to the top? Was it across the top? - and they had wrestled afterwards. Caerwyn had said Roan could be as fast as Blade. Oh, his half-brother was so innocent back then. Not now. He honestly hoped Caerwyn might be alive. He could tear Duke to shreds. At the idea of that, he became a tiny bit vicious and growled back.

Roan felt her clamp down on his ear and he rolled them over with all his strength, which was pretty embarrassing for him, and attempted to pin her to the ground. He stared at Taya, imagining she had a black chest and stomach. Oh lord, he had to stop. He grinned at her, forcing all his anger to wash away, and he put very little weight on her as he kept her pinned down. Tail wagging, he went for her ear in return, making sure to only nip lightly.

[[Midnight]]

It was a lot of fun goofing off with Roan, and Taya was glad that he was really getting into it now. A couple of moments he looked a bit ditracted, and Taya couldn't help but wonder why.
What's he thinking about?
But all of her thoughts were drowned when Roan clamped down gently on her ear, while he had her pinned to the ground. She tried to squirm, but she had a couple of factors going against her - she was a smallish female! Surely Roan was capable of overpowering her.

Maybe she could tickle her way out of this! She strained her neck forward and began snuffling her muzzle underneath his chin, nipping lightly at his skin. Hopefully the attempt would work, otherwise she'd find herself in a losing match! She smiled despite that.

[arbie]

Roan was glad he was winning, but suddenly Taya was tickling him! He laughed merrily, rolling off of her to his right and landed on his side, trying to avoid the feeling. His laugh slowly died away, and he rested his head on the soft grass. Birds chirped from far off and Roan gazed at Taya for a moment, feeling the skin beneath his fur burn. He relaxed completely, but his hind-right leg began to ache and he sat up, putting most of his weight on the left side.

Thanks to that earthquake, and the rock falling on his leg, he wasn’t a very good runner any more. After a certain amount of time running, it would hurt like hell. It was the same with fighting and play-fighting. Roan felt like he couldn’t do anything anymore apart from walk and advise people. He smiled down at Taya, slowly looking up a the sky. The sun was still there, but the wind was picking up and clouds were slowly coming in.

He felt at peace.

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