rolling in the deep -- Roan/Bandit

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there's a fire starting in my heart
reaching a fever pitch
and it's bringing me out the dark

It was absolutely amazing what a good sleep and a long run could do to clear the head. Bandit had crossed the lands, mind racing, passing her packmates at her fastest just to avoid conversation. She now knew what she wanted.

She wanted the pack. She wanted it to be hers, to avenge her father's death by snapping Duke's neck beneath her teeth. But she couldn't do it alone, she knew that, she wasn't stupid. Duke had riled an entire pack to kill Xaka, and Bandit planned to do exactly the same. Caden needed to know the whole truth, at some point soon, but until then Bandit had to rouse the pack herself. To make them realise who she was and what she would do for them. Caden simply did not understand the history of the name of the Dancing Stars. No matter where they went, if they were Stars wolves, they needed a Stars leader.

But it would not be easy.

She stopped abruptly at the lookout, having run all the way up, and felt her lungs screaming out for air. Her chest heaved as she sucked in the lifeforce, amber eyes almost mad with desire. She had no mate to hold her back, she had enough family dead or lost to give her the fire in her blood that she so needed. She threw her head back and howled loudly as the wind whipped around her, trying to tumble her off the cliff, but she held strong and tall. The howl gave nothing away, simply a cry of passion into the hot spring air.

finally I can see you crystal clear
go ahead and sell me out
and I'll lay your ship bare

[arbie]

Earlier on, Roan had seen Bandit. It wasn’t often he saw her about, though it was more by chance than avoiding each other (he hoped), but she seemed to be in a rush. It seemed she really was trying to avoid conversation with others this time, as she was there and then gone again, passing by him without a second glance. Roan wasn’t offended, just curious. Bandit could be stressed, and just letting it all out through a few good runs. Roan never understood what that achieved, but Roan could never run at a good speed anymore; his leg acted up and forced him to slow to a jog. So, he would just sit and think about his situations or on the rare occasion talk them out with others.

Later on in the day, Roan was still wandering. He had recently filled up with a small meal and was now content on walking it off. He felt tired, but not tired enough to make his way to the dens. It was too early in the day to do that. Besides, Bandit running was stuck in his head all day, and her energy had rubbed off onto Roan. He planned to do some exploring. Not like it was needed in this land: he had been in almost every nook and cranny there was in the Dancing Star territory, but it was nice to re-familiarize yourself with it once in a while.

He knew exactly where he wanted to go. Somewhere that was beautiful and serene, that he could possibly find Bandit. Not that he knew what to say. What could he say? What was there to say? Roan just felt the need to be closer to the older wolf. Being the daughter of Xaka, she should be important to him. She was, really. She just didn’t know it (or that’s what Roan thought).

As he climbed his way through the forest, he heard a familiar howl. He smiled a little, noticing it was Bandit’s. He was moving in her direction. Was that fate at its finest? Who knew. Roan did believe in that sort of thing, but he didn’t like to say that out loud. Some wolves believed you paved your own road. Roan wasn’t entirely sure about that.

Making his way to the look-out, he watched Bandit. His presence was easily caught, he wasn’t trying to hide himself. Making his way over he smiled a little in greeting, feeling the wind tug and pull at his body, but even for him, he stood strong. He looked down at the valley, his breath momentarily taken away by the sheer beauty of it. He had always forgotten what it was look to look out onto Caden Valley. But he remembered Bandit was still there, and he glanced at her at the corner of his eye. Suddenly feeling awkward, he wasn’t sure how to greet her.

“Hello, uh, Bandit.” he finally stated.

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To have someone walking in on her when she felt this way was almost gratifying. When she realised it was Roan, she felt as if this was Xaka sending her a sign. Although she'd left the valley after Quianna had become her father's mate, she'd always returned to hear what Vesuvius had to tell her of the pack happenings. She knew all about Roan, even if she didn't know him. She'd let go of all of her hatred and bitterness for Quianna's part in her father's life a long time ago, now. So she smiled warmly, lit by the fire within her, when Roan greeted her.

"Hello Roan," she replied simply. Although she was full of feeling, intense and bright, she wasn't one for many words. She preferred to let others speak, especially those she cared for, like pack mates.

She sat down, deciding that her stance was slightly too dominant for conversational use. The wind was dying down slightly, but still whipping up her duotone fur around her. She waited on Roan, although he didn't seem like a terribly conversational wolf either. She wondered what had led him here, to this valley. He'd probably witnessed enough to make him want to leave forever. She wondered what he was chasing, in coming here.

[arbie]

Bandit was clearly more used to speaking to others than Roan was, and when she greeted him he offered her a smile. His eyes wandered to the scenery again, and he couldn’t help but feel slightly inspired. He couldn’t remember much of Empyrean Valley anymore, his mind was confused and often just saw places of Caden Valley to substitute for the missing background. Roan found it easier to just not to think about the past anymore. He needed to concentrate on the future, like his mate and future pups. The thought made his heart beat faster, and he slowly sat down, trying to relax his muscles.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he finally commented, referring to the view. However his mind was completely elsewhere now that he thought of Pembe, and it was evident in his voice and expression. Eventually his shoulders did relax, and he looked down at the Dancing Stars land, wondering if he could see any wolves from here. However his efforts were fruitless, and he finally turned to look at Bandit, offering another tired smile, as if he had forgotten he had already given her one. Brought back from his thoughts, he cleared his throat a little. Part of him felt bad for being so awkward.

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Bandit felt immune to Roan's awkwardness. Although she herself was not what you would call awkward, she did have a love of little words. So she ignored Roan's awkwardness, for his sake, choosing instead to join him in admiring the valley before them. It was spectacular, true, but...

"It's nothing compared to Empyrean," she replied simply. She did not look at Roan for his reaction, in case it was a very personal one. Bandit had left Empyrean when she chose, but Roan was forced out by earthquake. She wondered if he had found something to make the pain go away, here. Perhaps he had a mate expecting pups. It seemed likely, he was a good wolf, he deserved that much in life. She glanced back at him, burning amber eyes sad for a moment.

"Do you ever think about them?" she asked, heart still full of the anguish of those they'd lost. She wasn't sure if she was referring to just Xaka and Quianna, or their siblings, or the rest of the packmates who were lost. She just wanted to say it to see how he felt. He'd seen it all, maybe he'd think differently of her campaign to pick up where Xaka left off. Bandit would not think of Caerwyn's tarnishing her family's bloodline. It was too dark to contemplate.

[arbie]

At the mention of Empyrean Valley, Roan felt the corners of his cheeks twitch. Bandit seemed to keep an attachment to the Valley that Roan had lost, and he felt guilty for it. It was his true home, and he was replacing his memories with Caden Valley? He felt almost selfish. No, selfish wasn’t the right word. A traitor was more accurate, but was a very strong word. All the same, it was true, and his heart sank at the mention of his old home. But, he nodded in agreement with her statement. He was sure she was right. He finally looked at her and was almost immediately hit with a tough question.

She seemed to be tugging at his heart strings, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew they would have to have had this conversation at some point, and it might as well be now; they had a chance to be alone to have a completely one on one conversation. He let out a long breath, thinking about his family. His mother. Xaka. Of course he thought about them, but he didn’t take the question as an offence, as he was sure it wasn’t supposed to be. Thinking of his family led him to think of Blade. Had he even spoken to him recently before the earthquake? Roan hardly spoke to anyone. He was so young back then.

“I do.” he answered, his tone sombre, “At night, while I look at the stars sometimes… I think they’re looking down on me. Making sure I’m alright. That we’re alright.”

Remembering Bandit was also important to Xaka made him look at her. He was too emotional to feel embarrassed for sounding so selfish, so his change to plural wasn’t very sudden. It just sounded like he was finishing his sentence naturally. Roan sighed gently at the memory of his old pack. Of the true Dancing Stars. His eyes softened and he smiled, continuing.

“And do you?” he questioned tenderly. He already knew the answer. Xaka was her true father, and he was killed in cold blood while she wasn’t even around. At least, that’s what Roan remembered. But his mind was confused and all his memories were mostly bundled together. He wasn’t sure what happened back then. Was he not just a young wolf? He shouldn’t have to be forced to remember any bloody battles. His eyes fell on the far off Falling Moon land, and his heart hardened. He didn’t feel the need for revenge, but anger was certainly bubbling up inside of him at the thought.

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"I know what you mean," she replied, smiling softly and casting her amber eyes backwards at him. She'd known Quianna, and could see Quianna's colouring in Roan's fur. She wondered how attached Roan had been to Xaka. She wondered if she thought too much about her father, his demise, his legacy. Sometimes she felt obsessed, and other times she felt like it was her right to have him always in her heart.

"I do," she continued, responding to Roan's question. It was an obvious question, she knew it was coming, he was being both polite and probably curious. "I feel sometimes as if I've still got some of my father with me. My mother... you never knew her. My siblings you did, but I remember Vesuvius telling me that he and Shadow kept to themselves in the pack."

She wasn't sure if she was talking too much. But she had been longing for someone like Roan, someone who might understand the loss. But someone who had moved on as well, who probably wasn't holding on so tightly as she was. Perhaps he could help her let go and get her own life, although she was sure that she would still want to rule this pack.

"I never knew Caerwyn or Prospero or you very well. I regret that now, I feel as if there was something I could've done. Too busy trying to create a life away from it all, but now... I feel like it's my time to do our family justice," she continued. She had been gazing over the lands, momentarily picturing Duke's throat between her jaws. Was she trying too hard to be the heroine? She almost wanted to ask Roan, her expression clearly torn. She looked back at him again.

"I'm sorry that we never got to be closer," she replied, her tone very honest. Her father had been so loyal to his siblings, when they had all come from different mothers. Roan was still part of their family, whether or not they shared the same blood. She smiled sadly at him. "I think so much about what I've missed out. Perhaps I should let go a little."

She left the words standing there on the lookout with them, her heart still pumping. No matter what she chose to do with the memories that haunted her still, she knew that she was on a mission. The moment Caden slipped up, she would take over, assume the right, and do her family proud. That had always been her destiny, surely?

[arbie]

Roan nodded, not wanting to interrupt her. He remembered Shadow and Vesuvius vaguely, and his chest felt like it tightened. Were they alive? Did that mean Bandit lost more than Roan originally thought? He watched her speak; she didn’t seem openly sorrowful, but she was also a strong wolf from what he gathered. Perhaps she protected herself. Listening to her admit what she regretted and what she wanted to do, Roan looked down at his paws. It was an interesting thought, and if he wanted anyone to try and do Xaka justice - do everyone justice - it was Bandit. She had true ties to Dancing Stars that Roan felt he lacked.

“There were many strong wolves in our pack.” he began calmly, albeit quietly, “I don’t think… Anyone close to Caerwyn could have helped. You can’t blame yourself for anything that happened.”

He wasn’t sure if Bandit was referring to Caerwyn’s mental demise or the earthquake; however, he himself was referring to Caerwyn. He had almost forgotten about Prospero and his heart sank. He hadn’t seen his half brother since he was in Empyrean Valley, and he momentarily wondered if he was alive. He… Couldn’t be. Most Empyrean wolves that were alive would have turned up here, wouldn’t they? However their scent and path had probably disappeared. Perhaps they went a different direction completely.

He smiled a little, shaking his head at her apology. There was nothing to get close to, nothing to get to know. Roan was what you saw, and it wasn’t much. But somehow he got through the days, and managed to pick up a mate along the way. Maybe there really was something there that Roan ignored himself. But this wasn’t about him, this was about something different. Something he and Bandit needed to finally face. He looked over the valley, gently lowering himself to his stomach, paws hanging over the ages slightly.

“Perhaps you’re holding onto it so tightly for a reason.” he muttered, “It’s not too late to get back what you’ve lost.”

At this point Roan was referring to her Alpha position. He glanced at her, continuing quietly.

“You will have your chance if you keep trying. Not that I condone an uprising, ah, now at least.” he coughed, not wanting her to press any further on that subject. In Roan’s mind, at this moment it was a silly idea to cause some sort of rebellion against Caden. Pups were waiting to be born, wolves were weak and needed the wolf they could trust to stand over them. When the pups were growing, perhaps target them. An uprising didn’t seem like Bandit’s thing, anyway.

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Bandit looked almost shocked at Roan when he mentioned an uprising. What must he think of her? She knew that they all probably thought she was so power-hungry, waltzing in here and commanding that someday she get a position of power. Her vibrant eyes turned to him slowly, and then away again to the lands.

"Roan," her voice softened. "The only reason I want to be the Alpha here, is for the good of the pack. I know I'm a good leader, strong like my father, and I know the history. What we, as a pack, have been through."

She paused momentarily, frowning.

"If I for one second thought that Caden would do a better job than me, then I would stand down immediately," she looked back at him, hoping he would see the honesty in her. "And actually, he is. He hasn't been faced with anything like with we've been through as a pack before. All I'm saying is- the moment he crumbles, I will do whatever I have within my power to protect everyone."

She did not smile, her expression far too serious as she hoped he would understand her. She always performed for others. It was one of the reasons why she had no caused an uprising- she'd never be so selfish. Caden was doing well at the moment, she wouldn't interrupt that. She would certainly never jeopardise the pack's oncoming pups. In fact, she'd lay down her life for them. For anyone in the pack. That is precisely why she wanted to lead them, so she would have the right to feel as attached as she did. She let a small sigh escape her black lips, but it was lost in the blustering wind.

[arbie]

Roan seemed to have either used the wrong words or gotten everything wrong. He looked at Bandit as she spoke, sensing the seriousness of the situation in her words and face. He felt bad for thinking of Bandit as some sort of wolf that didn’t have a plan. She was smarter than that, but he couldn’t look away as she spoke either. She had such power in her words and eyes, she was reminded of Xaka. She was definitely as strong as him. Roan felt even worse for doubting her now, and he was at a loss for words. The resemblance now of Bandit and her father was outstanding. Roan had never seen it so clearly before.

Bandit wasn’t interested in the Alpha position for selfish reasons. She didn’t want it because she felt she deserved it(or, that wasn’t the primary reason) - she wanted it because she cared for the Dancing Stars enough to look over them. He looked down at his paws, as if guilty, but then looked back at her quickly. He didn’t want to seem afraid. He could be just as strong as Bandit. He didn’t want to seem confrontational, he just wanted to have the strength she had. He was jealous.

“Perhaps I’ve been looking at it the wrong way.” he said, “Sorry - I’m sorry.”

He watched her, seeing her lips part in a sigh. He then looked over the valley, frowning and his ears twitched a little in disdain. If she wanted to be an Alpha, if she wanted to be so close to the pack and want to keep holding for a better reason… She shouldn’t have to wait for Caden to crumble. She shouldn’t have to be able to wait for Caden to fail for her to succeed: why must Bandit’s victory be caused by Caden’s downfall?

“Caden shouldn’t have to fall for you to win.” he stated, looking at her, “Win wasn’t the right word. I’m sorry. But-But what I mean is... I don’t know.”

He sighed heavily, looking at his paws. It was a ridiculous thought that came to mind. Caden and Bandit were similar and yet totally different. He didn’t even know if there was a spark between them, and yet Roan was thinking that instead of allowing him to fall, Bandit could help him back up. They could rule together. But would that be what Bandit wanted? Did Bandit want to protect everyone by herself? Roan momentarily wondered if Bandit was trying too hard to be everyone’s guardian angel, all by herself.

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"We've lost so much."

Bandit looked sadly across at Roan. She hoped that he had moved on successfully, and almost felt guilty for her words dragging him back to the past. Her problem was a lack of closure.

"But I won't be another Duke. If I am to take this pack I will do it by winning a fight against Caden fair and square. I would never kill a wolf to achieve my gains. Then I would be no better than a Falling Moon," she spat the last two words with such venom that she didn't know she could muster. She would have looked surprised at herself, but her orange eyes kept looking out in determination.

"I've been very confused for a long time, Roan. I need more time to think. To assess Caden, and I, and how this would happen," she finished with a sigh. She glanced back at the light brown wolf again. "But it is too close to pups at the moment. Are you expecting any? Do you have a mate?" She asked softly, a smile returning to her face. This is what she cared for- her family and packmates, and how they were doing in the day-to-day.

[arbie]

Roan gazed at her, and he nodded to show he completely understood. He didn’t take his eyes from her, feeling the power radiating from her as she just thought of the idea. He felt slightly enamoured by it too, and wondered if he should be on Bandit’s side. No, that was a stupid question. There would be no ‘should I?’s about this. Bandit was family, and the rightful heir to Dancing Stars. When Caden’s time was done, Roan would be there to help Bandit take his place and keep order. Take on the life she deserved.

“Hm?” at the question, he smiled and nodded, “I do. Her name is Pembe, she’s a wonderful wolf. She’s bound to give birth any day now, I imagine!”
The pup-like excitement that ran through Roan was too much. His tail wagged slightly at the thought of being a father, and his smile widened to a grin. He was no longer the shy wolf he was at the beginning of their conversation. He was an excited, soon-to-be father and there was almost nothing that could bring him down.

“She says there aren’t many pups to be had, but I don’t mind. Pups are pups. And they’re mine.” he spoke maturely. He gave an almost sage-like nod and looked at Bandit, his smile still visible, “This may be presumptuous of me, but you don’t have a mate yet, do you?”

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Bandit smiled as Roan spoke of Pembe. She could hear the fondness in his voice, and hoped that life would go well for the two of them. Roan was going to make a good father, she could tell. The simple truth of it was that he was strong, and wise, and what else could a pup want of their father? She thought about Xaka briefly, her heart making a painful but loving pang in memory of him.

His question was perfectly expected, but she still felt a little sad to be shaking her head. She knew that by now she probably would not ever find a mate. She was not past her prime yet, but in a few years she would be. And unlike some of the pretty, dainty little things running around, Bandit had attitude. She was very hard to obtain. Her thoughts passed briefly to Caden, confusion momentarily clear on her face, but she didn't think that Roan would know who she was thinking of. She loathed to admit that she often thought of Caden as more than a friend or leader, but then she often told herself to stop being ridiculous. Life would not simply hand her the Alpha position by something as wonderfully simple as falling in love. She bitterly knew that no part of life was a fairytale.

She sighed, wearily.
"With every generation the world changes that little bit more. I wonder what to expect, really. No matter how much we think that we have it all figured out..." she trailed off, with an only slightly humourous chuckle. She glanced at Roan with a smile, not meaning to bring him down whilst thinking about new pups. Truthfully, she thought she was referring to the Moons pups more than the Stars.

[arbie]

He tilted his head as she spoke. She was speaking the truth of course, and it didn’t bring him down in the slightest. During these times, when brought to the thoughts of his mate, almost nothing could really break Roan down. Perhaps the Falling Moons, but they were rarely brought up along with the subject of Dancing Star pups. Whoever did make the connection in conversation were probably very lonely or very paranoid about the pups’ lives. Roan always made sure not to think of anything bad that could happen to his future pups, and instead concentrated on what he would do with them as they grew. He would be the best damned father there ever was.

“I suppose you just have to change with it, or get left behind, right?” he asked good heartedly. He himself wasn’t sure if the comment was good natured though, and so continued, “I mean, that’s what survival is all about, isn’t it?”

Roan looked back out at the scenery, basking in the silence. He enjoyed sitting with Bandit. She was intimidating, of course, but you could push past that if you did your best: when she opened her mouth, she was never vicious unless against an enemy (that’s what he assumed). He had never actually seen her react to Falling Moon, although he assumed it would be moderately similar to any Dancing Star.

Moving on from the subject of Falling Moon, he looked at her again.

“Have you spoken to any others of the pack lately?” he inquired, curious. He had no idea what type of wolves Bandit liked being around.

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"Of course," she agreed with Roan, glancing sidelong at him with a small smile. He was right, most definitely. It was all about survival. Adapt or be obliterated, really. But that was rather a dark thought, for such a wonderful conversation. Speaking to Roan made Bandit feel as if she hadn't completely failed with her family. She still felt he was family, he was part of Xaka's web, and that made her feel more at ease. Made her feel as if she was now fighting for something a little more real, instead of chasing fantasies.

His next question caught her off guard a little, and although her face did not often give away much, a slight cloud of perplextion crossed her features. It gave way to a smile, though, and she shrugged as the wind whipped up around them.

"I suppose most recently I have spoken to Taya, Oberon and Caden," she replied, in a straight-forward manner. "And yourself?"

She felt as if she should return the question, out of politeness, but her own curiosity at his question was clear in her fiery eyes as she turned to him. They searched his expression, which she had to admit seemed only inquisitive. Was he trying to work her out, or something? She wasn't exactly an open book, but she was willing to share a few chapters with her family.